This is not fun...

I got up early this morning when I realized that I had not woke to give Kent his 8 hour pain med’s, I could hear him breathing hard so I knew his pain was up and more than he was able to handle. I checked his oxygen and it was down so I put him back on the straight oxygen, hopefully as the day goes on he will feel better. After I got his meds down him and got him settled back in bed I couldn't sleep. Each time I look at him the time seems so short. I came into the computer to work on this up date and my mind just kept wondering. I started going through things on my desk and was amazed at all the lung cancer papers I had saved over the last five years. I started sifting through the papers and came upon Kent’s last years elk permit, I couldn't shred it, I kept thinking if I shred it he will rebound and need it for this year, he has come back more than once. The first time they gave us no hope and look what happened. Giving up is not one of my best qualities but I am learning. I need to thank my family for the wonderful mothers day that they treated me to. My girls left the day up to their husbands and like they usually do the whole thing went great. Cody made pot pies, and Chad did the smoked chickens. It was a great dinner. The kids and Kent gave me a wreath with real greenery in it. When it is wet it weights so much I can’t lift it. I had to go get a hanger for Cody to put in the outside wall to hang. Justin and Kent also made me a welded giant sunflower, made with horseshoes. My Justin has a talent he needs to pursue. Kent was up for most of the day and that was nice for the kids to see and visit with him. The guys made way to much food so I was able to make homemade chicken noodle soup the next day, my favorite.
I need to thank all of you again for all your calls, visits, and e-mails, Kent has loved them all and they have blessed me also. Even though he can’t speak well he still loves to hear from all of you. We had the Woods Family and the Stevens Family over yesterday and even though Kent was in so much pain he didn't want them to leave.

Kent has been having problems with some ribs, we think. That has caused him even more pain. I want to run him to the doctor to see what it is, but am told "why?" If we already know the cancer is out of control why do I want to have more bad news and put him through sitting in the offices plus waiting for tests. I have been drugging him to the point that it scares me. When I talk to the nurses that come they tell me to give him more. He has been up the last two nights and all I can do is keep drugging him. We have changed them again and it’s getting to the point that I don’t know how much or when so I have started a chart.I know I’m not suppose to worry about the drugs that Kent will be taking, but I do. I hate seeing him in pain but I hate making him a zombie also. I’m not sure if I will be able to handle this Hospice thing. I have two close friends that have lost their husbands in the last year. One took her husband to the hospital at the end; the other did Hospice and says it’s the only way to go. She tells me that it is the closest to the veil that you can ever get and there are great blessing in having them at home. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to handle all of it. He has lost more weight and looks so drawn out. I just don’t know how to feel anymore, and I can’t even begin to wonder how he is feeling.

As the day has progressed Kent has just seemed to get worse. He isn't really very responsive, and the words that he is trying to say don't make any sense. He is starring a lot, not really aware or almost seems disinterested in what is being said. He is doing some of the odd things that he did right after his last stroke. I have been a little panicked by his behavior. I called the nurse, and I had hoped she would come right out. She didn't. Hopefully she can try to make me feel better tomorrow, when she is supposed to come. I just keep hoping that Kent will snap out of this, and we will all be free from this. Back in Alaska, touring the world. With the grand kids in Disneyland, anywhere but in this dreadful situation.I use to be such a strong and sure person, or I thought I was and I can’t even keep my thought process in order anymore. I hope you will all be able to hang in there with me cause I’m going nuts.

-Shirley

ps
Me and Tammy would like to ask for deep meaningful prayers in behalf of our Mom and Dad at this time. Our Mom is not able to sleep with the overwhelming task of taking care of Dad. She is trying to be strong, but her pain is very apparent. Dad is slipping, and in a lot of pain. Please include them both in your family and personal prayers. Any prayer roles that they can be added to is so much appreciated. We are praying for a peaceful comforting end for our sweet Dad, we know that we will be happy to be re-united with his Mom and Dad. And we pray for support and comfort for our Mom. We love them both so much. We cherish every moment and memory we have of the love our parents have for each other. We will not ever be complete in this life again, with out our Dad. But we know that we will be together again. He loves you all so much. We were born of goodly parents. We will always thank the heavens for that...